Declaring Birdhouse Bankruptcy

This feels good.

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Nothing focuses your attention like pussy. - 10/15 9:35 PM, 0 stars

Nothing makes you feel more contempt for your fellow human than a LinkedIn group’s daily digest. - 10/06 3:19 PM, 0 stars

When I hear people talking about some ‘new’ thing that’s already been chewed up and shat out on Twitter, I feel like a god. Who cries alone. - 10/20 8:26 PM, 0 stars

Ha! you don’t just play Spank the Butler, Jeremy. You live it. - 11/24 8:43 AM, 0 stars

My bird’s a tele of a bacon and busquits. Translation: this joke isn’t that funny elevator. - 11/21 7:24 AM, 0 stars

When you’re pooping you ever think, “This time, this time.” and not know why? Gawd! Curses on my poet soul. Hahaha. Can you pass the gravy? - 11/26 9:41 PM, 0 stars

I had a crazy-hot, dirty sex dream with one of you last night. Hint: you wear glitter and now have a bunch of my money. ;-) - 11/24 7:58 AM, 0 stars

What’s the ratio that flips this gangbang into a proper orgy? I don’t have the right app for my Windows Mobile phone. Outlook? Excel? - 11/25 2:15 PM, 0 stars

“Yes, I’ll have an order of adult onset diabetis and, uh, how about some what’s wrong with this country.” “Enjoy your movie.” - 08/29 9:21 PM, 0 stars

Exchange at the 7/11 highlighted that math skills are only thing keeping me from wearing a work-shirt with my name. Study subtraction, kids. - 09/16 12:11 AM, 0 stars

“It’s in your milk muscle.” - 09/02 8:50 PM, 0 stars

Is “humerous” meant ironically in the birthday card aisle. - 09/07 5:17 PM, 0 stars

I vanity surf flickr feeds for drunk-pix of myself so if I ever meet Lindsay Lohan we’ll have something in common to talk about. - 11/11 3:12 PM, 0 stars

I feel a new me, emerging, fresh and open. He weighs about 15 lbs more than me and doesn’t know what to do with his hair. - 09/08 10:12 PM, 0 stars

They should change the name of the Seattle Seahawks to the Washington Generals. - 09/13 3:48 PM, 0 stars

In this house, we might as well call family obligations, money. - 09/13 11:19 PM, 0 stars

Look, I don’t know @MrTweet or why he sent you but unless you’re into porn, karate and decoupage, you’re gonna be bored w/this mommyblogger. - 10/22 10:58 AM, 0 stars

Pro tip: never look at your in-ear earbuds. Just shove em in and enjoy the music. There’s a metaphor for something locked up in there. - 09/22 8:56 AM, 0 stars

Hey girl, lemme aks you a question. How bout we go back to my place and uhhh…watch Crocodile Dundee on the flatscreen? - 09/22 9:08 AM, 0 stars

Yep, I’ll admit it; There was a time that I used to do acid. Not proud but there it is. I was young, it was this morning and I was curious. - 09/25 8:00 AM, 0 stars

After this Frisko Freeze cheesburger. Then you can start that “fist day of the rest of my life” bullshit.

Yeah, extra tartar sauce. - 10/07 10:54 PM, 0 stars

It still trips me out that Schwarzenegger is the mayor of California. - 10/08 10:16 PM, 0 stars

Schwarz means ‘black’ in German. What the fuck California? - 10/08 10:17 PM, 0 stars

I frequent glory holes for the testicles. - 10/16 11:17 PM, 0 stars

Come on, just say it. The Nobel Committe awarding Obama the Nobel Peace Prize is a token gesture. - 10/11 1:43 PM, 0 stars

I suspect half the people I know drink scotch because they think they should. The other half drink it to finish the bottle. I like that half - 10/13 8:58 AM, 0 stars

As a mixed-kid in a mixed-marriage I like to believe I’m what’s wrong with America but nooo—Some backwoods judge always steals my thunder. - 10/15 9:44 PM, 0 stars

I bet Rambo didn’t bother to make sure there was another roll of TP before dropping trow. I’m such a pussy. - 10/19 8:40 AM, 0 stars

A giant cartoon parrot is telling me the casino added Baccurat. What could go wrong? - 10/20 2:44 AM, 0 stars

I guess you could say I’m part bulimic. Binging I got down cold. It’s the purging I need to work on.

Maybe if I dust this bottle of makers. - 10/22 9:05 PM, 0 stars

America’s less a Christian nation than it is Holier-than-thou country. - 10/24 11:33 AM, 0 stars

Homeopathic medicine doesn’t work unless the drum circle is really jammin. - 10/24 11:34 AM, 0 stars

Homeopathic medicine doesn’t work when the mescaline, daddy issues and the something wear off. - 10/24 11:36 AM, 0 stars

Homeopathic medicine - 10/24 11:37 AM, 0 stars

Come to America. It is wild, beautiful and free.

Well, not litterally. It’s more conceptual―go with it. - 10/24 4:36 PM, 0 stars

In the fable of the Grasshopper and the Ant we learn that in the end, the Grasshopper’s actions are rewarded. - 11/11 3:14 PM, 0 stars

There’s this really attractive lady here that can’t keep her eyes off me.

Replacing her eyes with little mirrors was genius. - 10/29 4:05 PM, 0 stars

What if my answer is both inappropriate and honest? What then? - 10/30 3:52 AM, 0 stars

I know; Don’t make rape jokes but dayum! Those Cocoa Puffs are crazy delish. - 10/31 2:09 AM, 0 stars

I never feel more uncomfortable, suspicious and annoyed than when everyone’s so happy, polite and welcoming. - 11/06 4:17 PM, 0 stars

You never really notice your nipples until someone else notices them. - 11/07 5:48 PM, 0 stars

Jesus was so poor. Hahahaha if he wants healthcare he should get a jay oh bee as in job not Job. - 11/07 7:57 PM, 0 stars

I’m sorry. I can’t. I have to have The Thorn Birds, episode 2 playing in the background when we do it. I can turn it down a little? - 11/10 8:06 PM, 0 stars

When I was young I was so greedy. I had to have it all. Now I realize that under-shirt over-bra boob-touch is enough. - 11/19 12:42 AM, 0 stars

Mario Lopez Extra - 11/21 12:41 AM, 0 stars

Seeing what’s become of our health care system has given me post-partisan depression. - 11/21 4:51 PM, 0 stars

One of the biggest challenges to being a modern man is A) don’t act like a fag and B) don’t appear homophobic. - 11/23 2:51 PM, 0 stars

The biggest challenge for the modern man lies between not being homophobic and not acting like a total fag. - 11/23 2:52 PM, 0 stars

Look, there’s always gonna be somebody wearing them skinny jeans. What I’m saying is that that’s not the motherfucker you wanna make fun of. - 11/23 10:01 PM, 0 stars

My butt gets the opposite of stagefright around people. - 11/24 5:16 PM, 0 stars

It burns but it’s just the tip. It’s WebMD that’s making such a big deal about it. - 11/27 3:09 PM, 0 stars